I am convinced the “friend-zone” is a level of hell on earth, especially reserved for those of us who were never made too attractive, eye-catching, or worthy of being seriously considered a contender in the realm of dating. I speak of the friend-zone from approximately 14 years of experience there. Since I could ever imagine, guys who could manage getting close to me, saw me as this individual they could always share themselves with. Not just share how they’re feeling (although sometimes that’s a miracle too), but like the depth of their values and ideas about how the world functions, how it could, how they wish it would function. I’ve always been that chick that is semi easy-going, curses like a sailor, and can easily transition into that individual who a guy finds intellectually stimulating, but rarely if ever can be stimulated into actually liking much else. I’m also a ball-buster. As “one of the guys,” I rarely let anyone get away with anything.
Moreover, as a woman of faith, Christian men seem to find me spectacularly angelic. I become this individual who challenges and supports them at times they can barely like themselves. They share their shortcomings with me; they are willing to fail and look horrible in front of me. Everything I’ve read has told me that if a guy actually likes a girl, he’d never want to reveal this. So, I gotta admit I’m pretty tired of being the gal they can trust so much of themselves with. I hate it, and love it all at once. Maybe this is because of my dreaded hatred for the dating rituals of current times. Ughhh, the idea that we’re meeting strangers with the purpose of knowing whether or not we’re compatible, but never getting to the bad stuff, the real bad stuff for months, it’s agonizing for me. I like to get to the heart of the matter, quickly, swiftly. And maybe that’s why I’ve enjoyed the friend-zone and lingered there for so long, it’s almost easier. I can begin trusting this person in such a different way. I’ve gotten comfortable there, it’s safe. But, as I get older, I can no longer rationalize “well, you can never have enough friends.”
I can have enough friends, I think… except, right now, the person who’s sorta stuck me in the friend-zone (because I’m still not sure – which is what makes this special level of hell on earth, so wonderfully agonizing) would be a real loss to my heart and sanity. This is not because I’m kinda crazy about him, but because he is one of the first men in the “friend-zone” who genuinely gives a shit and treats me as though I’m a friend. I know in my heart of all hearts, if I ever needed anything, at any moment, he’d stop and do it for me. This was rarely if ever the case with all the others. I was simply there for whatever they needed. This kind of true friend reciprocity I’ve never actually experienced. Usually, the guy ends up getting with a girl, and slowly I fade out of his life. Even if there is no girl, rarely do they ask me how I’m doing, genuinely awaiting my answer. This is maybe one of my favorite attributes of this particular guy I’ve been friend-zoned by. All in all, making it nearly impossible to convince myself that he couldn’t be valuable to keep around.
So what do I do now? I began writing this piece believing I was sick of the darn friend-zone, and I am. But, I am stuck. I’ve known this for weeks – but I like to live in denial, or simply take advantage of someone’s care and attention – is that horrible of me? I guess I have to remember the deepest desire of my heart longs for so much more. It does not want a muddied friendship that will never grow to be more, because I’ll never be that precious but strong partner that he can stand alongside forever. I want cariño, holding hands, arm-in-arm, with my heart on his, and his on mine. I want his kisses, delicate, on my forehead, my hands, my lips. I want his arms to find the folds and layers of my body irresistible, necessary to hold. I want him to make me laugh and enjoy my smile. But more than anything, I want to have the same effect on him. I want to make his eyes sparkle with the lightness of a heart at having been near me, at having me carry his heart in mine. Therefore, instead of doing what I’ve done before, ending a friendship because I want more than the other person is willing or able to give, I’m going to keep this one. Mostly because God is speaking to me and He says this is a bit different. If this particular situation smells, tastes, feels, and just is different, I refuse to treat it the same way I’ve treated others. However, that does NOT mean I stop looking and that does NOT mean I get to stick my eggs in this basket going nowhere fast. I must continue my pursuit, I must love myself enough to continue this exhausting, but one day, hopefully fulfilling search.
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